New Feelings

It seems like everyday brings new feelings, mostly bad ones anymore. Never in my life have I felt so alone. I spend all day, everyday completely alone. Jason leaves for work before I get up, and I'm dead tired by the time he gets home at anywhere from 6-7:30 p.m. I just can't keep myself awake anymore. I have never cried this much, over everything. Today Jason went with my father to get new tags for one of our cars. Why, when they left, did I fall onto the floor sobbing like a little girl? Just because I was alone again? I should be used to it. I'm starting to feel like this baby is a prison, I can't go anywhere, do anything....I'm totally confined.

On another side, we went to the Dr. for our 15 week checkup on Thursday the 1st. We heard the baby's heartbeat (it's at 158bpm now!) which meant the world to me....I could have sworn that the baby had died, I know this is all making it sound like I don't want my baby, when in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. I'll get back into that later. Anyway, the Dr. kinda freaked when he saw my weight, he scared me. so far (That they know of, since my first visit wasn't until I was 8 weeks) I have lost just under 20lbs. Here I am, almost through my 4th month of pregnancy, and I still can't eat, drink, or keep it down when I can eat or drink. The Dr. put my on Phenergan in addition to my Ondansetron (generic Zofran), his new orders are whether you think you need them or not, take them faithfully. I also have to weigh myself every other day, I have to call in the results weekly, I have 2 weeks to start gaining, or he said they'll hospitalize me, run IV's, possibly insert a Zofran pump, and if it continues, a nasal feeding tube....Can you say T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D?!?!?! And to make matters worse, since I'm alone all the time, I don't think anyone believes how sick I really have been, even though the proof is on paper, and in the fact that my pre-pregnancy clothes are more lose now than they were when I got pregnant. That's just wrong, to be almost 1/2 way through your pregnancy and almost finished with your 4th month, and to be wearing your pre-pregnancy clothes....when I realized that this morning, I sat on the bed and cried for a good 1/2 hour. At the urging of my OB/GYN I have joined a support group for women who suffer from HG, as the Dr. confirmed that, as being the problem. He figured up the percentage of my total body weight I had lost and found that it was 11%, in less than 2 months, 7.5% in 3 months is considered severe weight loss. So now I'm on my last chance to gain, before the Dr. takes over.

Enough of that, I can't talk about it anymore. Back to what I said I'd get back to, I really do want my baby, Jason and I tried for so long, and went through too much, with procedures, tests, and fertility drugs, to conceive, for it to not be worth it. I just wish someone understood, and would just talk to me, or maybe just listen...I feel so depressed, no one even has the time to talk to me on the phone anymore. I don't know...maybe it'll pass, and maybe it's normal...I just feel like a worthless piece of crap, nothing more than an incubator. I think the worst feeling, is not being excited about having my first baby....it just seems like another thing, when I know it should be a wonderful, happy experience. I'm thinking about calling a therapist, I don't think it's normal.