New Feelings

It seems like everyday brings new feelings, mostly bad ones anymore. Never in my life have I felt so alone. I spend all day, everyday completely alone. Jason leaves for work before I get up, and I'm dead tired by the time he gets home at anywhere from 6-7:30 p.m. I just can't keep myself awake anymore. I have never cried this much, over everything. Today Jason went with my father to get new tags for one of our cars. Why, when they left, did I fall onto the floor sobbing like a little girl? Just because I was alone again? I should be used to it. I'm starting to feel like this baby is a prison, I can't go anywhere, do anything....I'm totally confined.

On another side, we went to the Dr. for our 15 week checkup on Thursday the 1st. We heard the baby's heartbeat (it's at 158bpm now!) which meant the world to me....I could have sworn that the baby had died, I know this is all making it sound like I don't want my baby, when in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. I'll get back into that later. Anyway, the Dr. kinda freaked when he saw my weight, he scared me. so far (That they know of, since my first visit wasn't until I was 8 weeks) I have lost just under 20lbs. Here I am, almost through my 4th month of pregnancy, and I still can't eat, drink, or keep it down when I can eat or drink. The Dr. put my on Phenergan in addition to my Ondansetron (generic Zofran), his new orders are whether you think you need them or not, take them faithfully. I also have to weigh myself every other day, I have to call in the results weekly, I have 2 weeks to start gaining, or he said they'll hospitalize me, run IV's, possibly insert a Zofran pump, and if it continues, a nasal feeding tube....Can you say T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D?!?!?! And to make matters worse, since I'm alone all the time, I don't think anyone believes how sick I really have been, even though the proof is on paper, and in the fact that my pre-pregnancy clothes are more lose now than they were when I got pregnant. That's just wrong, to be almost 1/2 way through your pregnancy and almost finished with your 4th month, and to be wearing your pre-pregnancy clothes....when I realized that this morning, I sat on the bed and cried for a good 1/2 hour. At the urging of my OB/GYN I have joined a support group for women who suffer from HG, as the Dr. confirmed that, as being the problem. He figured up the percentage of my total body weight I had lost and found that it was 11%, in less than 2 months, 7.5% in 3 months is considered severe weight loss. So now I'm on my last chance to gain, before the Dr. takes over.

Enough of that, I can't talk about it anymore. Back to what I said I'd get back to, I really do want my baby, Jason and I tried for so long, and went through too much, with procedures, tests, and fertility drugs, to conceive, for it to not be worth it. I just wish someone understood, and would just talk to me, or maybe just listen...I feel so depressed, no one even has the time to talk to me on the phone anymore. I don't know...maybe it'll pass, and maybe it's normal...I just feel like a worthless piece of crap, nothing more than an incubator. I think the worst feeling, is not being excited about having my first baby....it just seems like another thing, when I know it should be a wonderful, happy experience. I'm thinking about calling a therapist, I don't think it's normal.

A thousand years later.....

Sorry it's been so long since I updated, I get so involved with the baby, nursery, family, and my dear, sweet Jason; and so easily distracted from all the other important things in life. For instance, I recently realized that Jason and I still haven't told most of his family about the baby, and that I have so much to get ready for our visitors. (Jason's brother and his wife are flying in from Colorado, they arrive on Sat. the 13th!!!) We had an emergency ultrasound last Wednesday, I had some bleeding, and since it was the second time in a week, they decided to do a scan. Everything is absolutely fine. The baby's heartbeat went from 140 at 6 weeks to 173 at this scan. I was supposed to be at 9 weeks when they did the emergency scan, but we discovered that I was actually 11 weeks. That means that come this Friday, I can kiss my first trimester goodbye! WOOHOO!!! I can't believe how much our little bug has grown! I'll post some ultrasound pics as soon as I get the motivation. I've had some really bad morning sickness, so the Dr. put me on Ondansetron, to help with it. I have to say that for maybe the first 4-6 days, it worked like a charm, but lately I'm having trouble holding anything down again.

Except for today, I feel like a million bucks! For the first time in months, I felt like doing something other than laying on the couch, throwing up. So I took a bath, laid around reading for a few hours, swept the porch and the carport, made dinner, rearranged the nursery (I'll get it so I like it eventually, right?), straightened up the house, and got my butt in gear on my blog.

Jason made dinner tonight, and I ate like a pig! We had steak, mashed potatoes (I couldn't eat them...too rich) corn, and cookies for dessert. Then I wanted an apple, and then an orange, and finally, we split a bag of popcorn. Now I'm all kinds of tired, and will probably head off to bed.

Lazy Days

Well, there's not much going on with me these days....Just sitting around, watching t.v., and trying to get enough calcium. Jason and I have started our bankruptcy, through no fault of his...I was a young stupid girl with credit cards and such....not a good thing! He and I have been shopping for the baby though. We got a few things and Mo has given us a few others. We got to see Estella and Mo twice yesterday and three times today. They even met us at the second hand shoppe that we got all the baby's clothes at for less than $7. Here are some pics of the outfits we got.

New developments

Well, the morning sickness seems to have backed off, especially since I have learned some tips and tricks to help. Jason and I went for our first ultrasound yesterday. We thought that I was 10 +1 weeks and it turned out that I'm actually 6+4 weeks. I have irregular cycles so it makes it hard for us to track anything. Our Dr. was really impressed with our baby. He says that at 6 weeks you can usually just barely make out the heartbeat by sight on the ultrasound monitor, but he could actually use the sound function to pick up the heartbeat. He said that in his 17 years of practice he's never had that happen before, and that our little bean must have a VERY strong heart! He said that our chance of miscarriage has dropped to 3%. Which obviously makes us very happy! I'm going to add the pics now.

Things I didn't expect

Well, lets start this off on a good note, Mo and Pam took me out for lunch to celebrate on Thursday, we went to La Paloma, it's a super-good Mexican place, specializing in soapillias . And boy, was it just the right thing! Their daughter, Estella, the little ham that she is, caught the attention of everyone around, especially our waitress, who picked her up and walked around with the lil spotlight. Another good note is that nearly everyone we've told about the baby is very happy for us, with the exception of my mother, who just seems pissed about it. And the last, but certainly not least, good note is that Jason has been so helpful, doing everything from dishes, to shutting the door to the bedroom (where I'm normally found now....sleeping) when he cooks his favorite meal....Ramen noodles (YUCK!). What a sweetie! On the down side, I'm nauseous all the time, my lower abdomen is usually having small (only annoying, really) cramps, I'm sooooo sleepy all the time and I'm super paranoid. I'm afraid to cough, sneeze, fart, take a crap, throw up, sit up too fast (I get dizzy all the time now), lay on my belly....Just about anything you could name, including not knowing what I really should and shouldn't eat. So far I'm sticking to fruit, veggies, milk, cereal, bread, more milk, non-caffeinated and diet sodas, spaghetti, and my latest obsession.....FRENCH FRIES! Good Lord, I cannot get enough of those greasy lil bastards!

It finally happened!

Well after over a year of crazy roller coaster rides on the trying to conceive express, We're finally pregnant! The back story, I have PCOS and due to it I also suffer from female fertility issues. My husband and I had been TTC for a long time, and had given up. We decided to stop trying in May of this year, moved to a new apartment, and had a kind of rebirth of our sex life....It's amazing what desirable scenery will do for your libido! Anywho, a couple of weeks ago, I started feeling funny, my lower abdomen hurt like crazy, my breasts swelled and started turning color ( and got too painful to even wear a bra), couldn't stay awake to save my life, and I was nauseous all the time. After so many disappointments, I was very hesitant to take a pregnancy test. But kind of grudgingly I took one. It was invalid, which made me think, I'm not pregnant, I must have a bladder infection or something. Two days later (yesterday) Jason comes home with 2 more pregnancy tests, I waited until the middle of the night to take one, dunno why, just wanted to wait. As soon as I looked at it (without waiting at all) I had a BIG FAT LINE, I puzzled for a second, wondering why the box showed the control line on the other side of the test, but as I sat there on the potty, pondering.....the control line appeared!!!!! Dripping pee the whole way, I ran into the bedroom where Jason lay sleeping, jumped onto the bed and screamed "Jason!!!!! We're pregnant!!!!", shoving the still dripping test in his face. I tested again this afternoon....still pregnant! Funny thing is, I feel like I've given Jason the best birthday present ever, since today was his b-day, and we found out about our baby today! Monique (my sister) came over and brought me a maternity shirt and an outfit for the internally growing lil monster. After she left, I made my first prenatal appt. I will have my first appt. and my first ultrasound on the 12th of Sept.

Random Stuff

Well I haven't really had much experience with blogging, except for reading other people's. I guess I just like to spy on others. My sister Monique keeps bugging me to start doing this, so here goes.

Currently Jason and I are in process of adopting our first child, as I cannot conceive. I have diabetes and PCOS, and am currently taking Metformin to help with both. I can see a dramatic difference, I've lost 4 pant sizes and 6 dress sizes in about 2 and 1/2 months. Jason, according to our fertility Dr., "Has donor quality sperm." I know that it sounds ridiculous, but I bawled my eyes out when he said that, because that meant that all of our conception problems were because of me. I know it's a selfish thing to think, but that's what went through my mind. I went through a stage of denial, and we took Clomid for a few cycles, but to no avail, I also had a Hystero Salpingogram (sp?) done, and it showed no blockages of my uterus or fallopian tubes. So here we are.

We are just starting all of the paperwork to become licensed foster parents, we're going to foster to adopt, meaning that only adoptable children will be placed in our home. Which I think will make it even harder if we don't click with a child, I don't know if I'll be able to look at a child until it is placed in another family, if we don't want it, and it's emotionally difficult to think that I wouldn't want any child in my home, but I must face facts that the children placed in our home will be emotionally disturbed, and I don't know if even after all of the parenting classes, Jason and I will be properly equipped to deal with the really hard cases.

Jason is very supportive and he was adopted, so it's something that is very close to our hearts. I just keep thinking that if his parents hadn't adopted him, I probably wouldn't have my husband today. Adoption wasn't really our last resort, we had discussed adopting even if we did conceive, we both want a large family. I can't put into words how wonderful it is for me and Jason, to some extent, to have Monique's beautiful baby girl, Estella, in our lives. Jason's never been around babies, so he's very nervous around her. I know that for me, Jason, Estella, and Mo are the lights in my life. I've always been able to count on Jason and Mo through thick and thin, and E-Dawg never fails to bring a goofy grin to my face.

I guess that's all the relevant news right now. Tune in later for more updates, same Bat-Site, same Bat-gibberish.